Hey hey this thing exists!

I completely forgot that I even have this blog. It's been quite a while. Just re-read my old posts. All I'm going to say is...wow. That girl was strange one. Just kidding. It's weird that I can remember exactly what was going on in the moment that I was writing those posts. Nothing really does change. Although some of my typos were a bit appalling. I hope my spelling and sentence structures have improved a bit more since freshman year.

Anywho. I don't know if I feel older, but I certainly feel less sure of myself. I think that's what getting older really means. When we start school we feel as if the whole world is opened up to us. There's a greater sense of freedom that you get from being away from home and surrounded by hordes of youngins just like you! Naturally, you can't help but turn into an emo, narcissitic college-kid. 

I don't really have a game-plan for this post. But I'll just lay down what's been going on with me this past day. Which really hasn't been anything that exciting. I've been feeling like a blob so naturally I haven't done anything. I maybe watched a documentary on Ketamine. Perhaps I researched shrooms and LSD and other hellucenogenics. I can't spell that word and I'm over it. I'm just implementing my knowledge of phonics. I knew it would come in handy one day! Anyways, later I found myself looking up schizophrenic art and all that jazz. It's so interesting and terrifying. 

I don't know why I'm sort of attracted to that idea of shamanistic art,  but I know myself and I know that I would have a horrendous time living that lifestyle. I mean I hate the feeling of being so hyperaware of my mind, yet not having any control of my world. If that makes sense. Goddamn a bad high. That really ruined my mind. But it was honestly the most terrifying experience of my life. Everything was slow and time was just not real. And in some impending doom and BAM. you've got a recipe for disaster. 

I was pretty convinced at one point that I was in a hospital bed in a coma while my mind waged a war inside of me. I thought the world was on an endless loop, just going through the motions just to fuck with my brain a little more. Time was going backwards. And just stopping for no reason. It was like someone set up the world in a normal sort of way, but I wasn't really part of it. I could grasp little bits of reality but then it would all spin away. And I'd plummet back into my new reality. It was like in that moment I saw how delicate reality is. 

We can slip into madness and surreality so easily it's frightening. I wish it didn't scare me. Maybe I should work on that.