Fun Facts and File Cabinets

The only thing I've really retained from my bio class have been the fun facts. It's actually pretty annoying how often I reference them in daily conversation. That being said, today we talked about invasive species and I think my mind blew up when I learned that fire ants were brought to the United States when someone (for god knows what reason) brought a bucket of fire ants to Miami. Rightfully so, this bucket of fire ants was supposed to be handled with care (shout out to the Traveling Wilburys). However, such is life, the bucket of fire ants was knocked over and fire ants were let loose on the Miami tarmac. Obviously no one was jumping at the chance to catch fire ants, so that explains why fire ants run rampant all over the Southern United States from California to Florida. So we can all thank that Brazilian dude for fire ants. Hats off to you, sir!

I don't think I'll forget the time I was standing barefoot in a fire ant hill at Burger King when I was probably 4-5. Ouch. Feet. Or the time when I found a cockroach in my shoe. Cockroaches are the worst. I know it doesn't need to be said, but they are just so awful. I don't know how my parents survived in their cockroach-infested apartment in Cambridge. Oh my god. Yuck.

Similarly, the time I thought I had flung pasta in my hair, but it was really a cockroach that landed on my head. Oh boy. This is one reason why I need a little break from Texas.

I always imagine memories to be filed in coffee-stained folders in teeny tiny file cabinets in my brain. I think right now I've opened up the file cabinet for "Pet and Critter" memories.

Today I learned that my cat died a few days ago. She was a such a sweetheart. I know I would feel much sadder if I was there for it, so in a way I am glad I wasn't home. I did get to say goodbye to her the day before I left to go back to school. She was just the sweetest and cutest cat. I guess I forgot that everything living has to die. It really sucks. Oh no oh no oh no I DO NOT want to open up the death and mortality cabinet right now. Sorry I am staying on track. Julia Julia Julia. Anyways, the night before I left I stayed up the whole night just petting her and crying and just being with her. She has always just been an angel. Actually that is a lie...I have always just loved her and wanted her to love me too. I have so many memories of being scratched and bitten by her for trying to pick her up or pet her. I remember all the scratches I had on my arms when I was five from trying to brush her. It wasn't until the last like five-ish years that she became a lap cat. Better late than never! Anyways, the last night I saw her she had three seizures throughout the night and it was just horrible. Yeah, it was horrible to have to see it, but more importantly, I felt so bad for her. It was so freaking sad. I forgot how attached I get to things/people/pets (?). I don't know how I'm going to deal with things like death and dying and sickness. It hurts my heart too much. But I have to say that I one hundred percent believe that no one should have to suffer alone. I know it's silly, but when I was with Julia I kept telling myself I couldn't sleep because then she wouldn't have anyone there with her. And...every time I stopped stroking her fur she would reach out her paw to me. It was heartbreaking and...I don't want to cry right now. Okay, I'll stop. She was a great little kitty.

Now sure what direction this post took. How about I end with another random fact about evolution! Okay. The Amish (due to their relative isolation within society) have a higher rate of polydactyly (i.e. having more than 5 fingers and/or toes).

Well what do we have here!

Who knew that I'd be posting again literally hours later! I'm just feeling really weird right now. I've mostly been cooped up in my apartment working on my finals so my head is just in a strange place. I just left to walk around outside a little and I just started to feel like I was floating, now I'm just really triggered and obviously I'm thinking that I am just going to lose it any second now. I'm lying on my bed and listening to music that doesn't make me think of anything other than slightly happy thoughts. So, right now that's MGMT's Congratulations. No idea why I chose that, but I've always liked it. It makes me think of freshman year before everything got crazy. Right now I'm remembering when me and Cody went to their concert together. I was just so carefree. I know that's dramatic but right now that's just the kind of mood I'm in. I miss that a lot. Okay, now I've moved on to Ingrid Michaelson because why not? I'm just overwhelmed by everything I have to do. What else is knew. It's not like the things I have to do are actual "problems," per se, but I make everything into a much bigger deal than it actually is. My throat hurts, too. That's probably because I didn't sleep last night. So obviously that's making me feel really weird. I overuse a lot of words. I wish I could expand my vocabulary but I think I'm stunted and will never be able to be more complex.

Now I feel like I am writing a diary. Apparently women overuse the word "feel," and I believe it. Should I replace "feel" with "think"? But that's a different word. And anyways, what's so bad about "feeling" a lot of things that shouldn't be "felt." People love to make everyone overthink everything. No that's not true. I think we (i.e. me and whoever else because I can't generalize for the entire human population) naturally overthink everything on a daily basis because we (me...) take ourselves far too seriously.

Wait.

That is what I want to do. I want to take myself less seriously. That's a good goal. I don't know how I achieve it but I like the idea of just being happy with and within myself.

Oh my god. I just remembered why I feel especially strange (gah). Last night I watched "The Suicide Tourist" documentary about, well, suicide tourism. It followed around an American ex-pat in England who had been diagnosed with ALS for a couple of months and had decided to seek-out physician-assisted suicide in Switzerland. It was really interesting, sad, and uncomfortable. It's not like I judged him for wanting to die with "dignity" (oh, euphemisms!), but I felt really sad about the fact that he was agnostic. How can you just live in the world and be apathetic about life and the after-life (whatever that ends up being). It makes me so sad to hear that people don't believe in anything. This guy wrote a letter to his children explaining to them his choice to go to Switzerland for PAS and he flat-out told them that he didn't believe that anything existed beyond the here and now. How can you live in this world and believe that? Yes. Bad things happen and life sucks a lot of the time but look around at the world and the people you find. Ah I could cry. Was this documentary life-affirming? I don't really know. It was just interesting. Sorry I just went off on a tangent. It makes me appreciated the life I have been given. I don't know what I want to do with it, but I really don't want to (obviously) take it for granted. Right now I don't think I regret anything I've done (maybeeee). Honestly, I think all the choices (good and bad) and the people I have met and had relationships with have helped me understand more about myself and what I want in life. Sometimes it's so freaking hard to realize any of that. I don't fully believe it most of the time. But I know that I have to. I can't just live with my head stuck in the past, in the clouds, in the sand, whatever metaphor (is that the right word?) you would like to use! Is it bad that I think about other people's choices and their lives? Should I forget them? Should I remember them? Is it bad that I worry about other people who I shouldn't even care about? Probably. And I don't mean that in a "I'm such a saint"-kind of way but that's just the honest truth. Actually it's probably more spiteful than thoughtful. Hah. I don't know. SO many "I don't knows." All I want to do is lay outside in dark and listen to Portugal The Man. Random. But they're so good right now. They make me just not think about anything. I don't even know why because I don't really listen to their lyrics (for some reason...) but they just have a nice sound that I can just forget myself in. Sorry that's emo and annoying. Not sure why I'm apologizing to myself. This was weird.

I need to remind myself to not watch documentaries after midnight. I'll learn one day.

Someone Make Me Do My Work

I think it is safe to say that every time I read this blog I will never cease to frighten myself. I honestly don't even know why I still have it. It's like every post is only trying to out-stupid the previous one. That is not to say that this one will be any less stupid because clearly I've proven that I am incapable of writing anything that won't cause me to cringe in about 15 minutes after posting it.

I think I write in this blog every time I have to avoid thinking about something. Right now, I am avoiding writing my two finals that are both due tomorrow. I feel so mentally checked-out right now that there is no way I can write about Transnational Hispaniola and African Literature. Actually, I don't think I can write about those topics mainly due to the fact that I have read basically none of the books. It's not like I don't like them, it's more the fact that my brain doesn't like to concentrate. Clearly I need to groooow up already. Most of the time these days I am too busy planning out a future that is probably never going to happen. It's weird because I always say I am not a planner and that I'd rather just go with the flow, but I do like to daydream. Like constantly. Wait. I feel like I misuse that word. I don't know if daydreams are just you imagining things that you wish would happen or if they are just letting your mind wander. Regardless, I do like to imagine what I want my world to be.

I don't know if this is supposed to be my personal journal or not. But I'm going with "not" because I am actually using capitals and punctuation and not courier new font (like the emo freak I am most days). That being the case, I guess I can still write about my dreams for the moment. All I want is to live away from home. And it's not to be stupid and to manifest my own destiny or anything like that, but I honestly think I need to be more independent. God so many clarifications. But who am I clarifying myself to? I know what I mean. I've done the whole "live at home and find yourself" sort of thing before and I will never forget how suffocating that can be (sorry I sound whiny). It's not that I don't love my family, because I do. I love being home and forgetting life outside of what I've always known. Oh shoot. I'm getting kind of sad and nostalgic. But that's a good thing, right? I mean being able to feel sad. I feel like I'm about to go on a tangent about feelings. Yeah I want to. Hold that thought.

Yeah feelings.

In case anyone is wondering, I think I have deleted about 50 sentences trying to figure out the right words to say. Talk about censorship! Maybe I'll write something in a few more years about what I think about them. My eyes hurt...when did I take my contacts out last? I don't even know.