Well what do we have here!

Who knew that I'd be posting again literally hours later! I'm just feeling really weird right now. I've mostly been cooped up in my apartment working on my finals so my head is just in a strange place. I just left to walk around outside a little and I just started to feel like I was floating, now I'm just really triggered and obviously I'm thinking that I am just going to lose it any second now. I'm lying on my bed and listening to music that doesn't make me think of anything other than slightly happy thoughts. So, right now that's MGMT's Congratulations. No idea why I chose that, but I've always liked it. It makes me think of freshman year before everything got crazy. Right now I'm remembering when me and Cody went to their concert together. I was just so carefree. I know that's dramatic but right now that's just the kind of mood I'm in. I miss that a lot. Okay, now I've moved on to Ingrid Michaelson because why not? I'm just overwhelmed by everything I have to do. What else is knew. It's not like the things I have to do are actual "problems," per se, but I make everything into a much bigger deal than it actually is. My throat hurts, too. That's probably because I didn't sleep last night. So obviously that's making me feel really weird. I overuse a lot of words. I wish I could expand my vocabulary but I think I'm stunted and will never be able to be more complex.

Now I feel like I am writing a diary. Apparently women overuse the word "feel," and I believe it. Should I replace "feel" with "think"? But that's a different word. And anyways, what's so bad about "feeling" a lot of things that shouldn't be "felt." People love to make everyone overthink everything. No that's not true. I think we (i.e. me and whoever else because I can't generalize for the entire human population) naturally overthink everything on a daily basis because we (me...) take ourselves far too seriously.

Wait.

That is what I want to do. I want to take myself less seriously. That's a good goal. I don't know how I achieve it but I like the idea of just being happy with and within myself.

Oh my god. I just remembered why I feel especially strange (gah). Last night I watched "The Suicide Tourist" documentary about, well, suicide tourism. It followed around an American ex-pat in England who had been diagnosed with ALS for a couple of months and had decided to seek-out physician-assisted suicide in Switzerland. It was really interesting, sad, and uncomfortable. It's not like I judged him for wanting to die with "dignity" (oh, euphemisms!), but I felt really sad about the fact that he was agnostic. How can you just live in the world and be apathetic about life and the after-life (whatever that ends up being). It makes me so sad to hear that people don't believe in anything. This guy wrote a letter to his children explaining to them his choice to go to Switzerland for PAS and he flat-out told them that he didn't believe that anything existed beyond the here and now. How can you live in this world and believe that? Yes. Bad things happen and life sucks a lot of the time but look around at the world and the people you find. Ah I could cry. Was this documentary life-affirming? I don't really know. It was just interesting. Sorry I just went off on a tangent. It makes me appreciated the life I have been given. I don't know what I want to do with it, but I really don't want to (obviously) take it for granted. Right now I don't think I regret anything I've done (maybeeee). Honestly, I think all the choices (good and bad) and the people I have met and had relationships with have helped me understand more about myself and what I want in life. Sometimes it's so freaking hard to realize any of that. I don't fully believe it most of the time. But I know that I have to. I can't just live with my head stuck in the past, in the clouds, in the sand, whatever metaphor (is that the right word?) you would like to use! Is it bad that I think about other people's choices and their lives? Should I forget them? Should I remember them? Is it bad that I worry about other people who I shouldn't even care about? Probably. And I don't mean that in a "I'm such a saint"-kind of way but that's just the honest truth. Actually it's probably more spiteful than thoughtful. Hah. I don't know. SO many "I don't knows." All I want to do is lay outside in dark and listen to Portugal The Man. Random. But they're so good right now. They make me just not think about anything. I don't even know why because I don't really listen to their lyrics (for some reason...) but they just have a nice sound that I can just forget myself in. Sorry that's emo and annoying. Not sure why I'm apologizing to myself. This was weird.

I need to remind myself to not watch documentaries after midnight. I'll learn one day.